Sensitivity Training
by Coke Cam
Summary: When Jane Rizzoli accidentally outs herself, she's relieved to find her friends are incredibly supportive. But now that she's admitted the truth, every moment she spends with Maura Isles is agony as she slips closer and closer to committing sexual harassment. Will a sensitivity training session with the object of her affection help resolve the tension or push her over the edge?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I apologize in advance for all the hell that Jane is going to go through, but I promise that she'll forgive me in the end, and I hope that you will as well. While this is very much a humor piece, there is a tender, vulnerable side to Jane that sometimes is easily overlooked, and I wanted to explore that...alongside a lot of fun, light humor. Just in time for summer! A good beach read! Not exactly safe for work!

* * *

_Jane Rizzoli braced both forearms against the shower wall, letting the hot water stream down over her. The sound of the water in her ears obscured the rustling shower curtain, and she twitched in surprise as she felt slim arms slip around her waist from behind. A smile curved across her mouth at the familiar light touch. _

_"Good morning," Jane murmured and her eyes closed as she felt a kiss press between her shoulder blades. _

_"Good morning, detective." _

_Despite her exhaustion, she felt her body begin to respond at the sound of the sultry, inviting tone. She shifted and turned within the embrace to look down at Maura Isles who was, somehow, impossibly beautiful at any hour. _

_"It's not too early, is it?" Jane whispered._

_"Not if you need me."_

_"Oh, I do." She grinned in the instant before she took Maura's face in her hands, tipping it up into a slow, searching kiss that grew to match the heat of the water._

_"What do you need?" Maura asked breathlessly. Her hands were skimming upwards over wet, slick skin, making a few suggestions of her own._

_"Everything."_

_"Could you be more specific?"_

_"Let's start at the top," Jane said lazily. "Take our time."_

_"All right, but I do have another session scheduled for 9:30, so if you'd like to make an official appointment, the department secretary would be able to accommodate you."_

Jane's eyes shot open as she jerked upright in her chair. Instead of the black and white checkerboard tile pattern of her shower walls, she was surrounded by book-lined office walls. She was fully dressed and sitting in one of the incredibly uncomfortable slick leather armchairs in the office of Dr. Amanda Arden, B.S., PhD, M.D., better known as the official shrink for the Boston Police Department.

"Is everything all right, Det. Rizzoli?" The counselor was staring at her carefully over wire rim glasses.

"Um...yes. Yes, thank you," Jane lied.

No, hell no, of course everything wasn't all right. What cop would go anywhere near the department counselor without being ordered to? Waiting for Dr. Arden in her keyed up state that morning had somehow triggered a narcoleptic-like stress response and she had nodded off in a half-dream.

"I'm happy to hear that," Dr. Arden said. Her dark hair was cut short in a severe symmetrical style that Jane imagined she maintained with nail clippers. "I know I shouldn't make assumptions, but when you said you needed to see me immediately this morning, I had thought you might be here to report an incident. Has anyone made a homophobic remark or slur that you..."

"Nope," Jane said hastily. She slouched down in the chair, clasping her hands between her knees. "All good, all good."

She might have finally come out of the closet—accidentally tripped out and fallen flat on her face to be more precise—but that didn't mean she was comfortable with all the lingo yet. She would have been happy enough just carrying on as she always had. It wasn't so bad just burying herself in work, not making too much eye contact when she went out for a drink with the guys. There was no need to chat with any women who approached her at the bar, easier to just slip out to finish the night at home, always alone. But then she'd had four too many at the Robber last month and just had to open her stupid, friggin' mouth.

"I'm glad to hear everything's well," Dr. Arden said. She was gesturing with elegantly manicured hands, keeping her voice to a civil, instructive tone. It made Jane unreasonably irritated, but so did everything right now which was why she was here. "You know, your courage has had something of a ripple effect in the department. We've had two more officers come out, and there's been a 35% drop in complaints of police handling of LBGTQ issues."

_RSTUV_, Jane's mind supplied unhelpfully. The job was already an alphabet soup without adding to it. "Never thought of it as courageous really," she mumbled. "Courage is going into a hostage situation or showing up at my family reunions."

Dr. Arden smiled in a way that told Jane she wasn't going to get out of this with a joke. "Det. Rizzoli, do you remember what you told me when you first came to see me a month ago?"

Jane nodded reluctantly. "That I thought things were going to get awkward at work."

"And do you remember what I said?"

The chances of forgetting were somewhere between slim and none. She remembered everything about that morning, how she had come rushing to the HR Department in a panic, and what had happened the night before at the Robber.

_It wasn't her fault, Jane had explained. Absolutely, utterly, not her fault. She had begged Maura to come out with them for drinks and Maura had complained that she'd had two autopsies backed up and would never be able to make it in time. If it hadn't been for that, Jane never would have let her guard down and gotten drunk, not if she had known that Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and quite simply the most attractive woman on the Eastern Seaboard, was going to be there. She'd known she had to be careful how she acted around Maura because she had these thoughts about her best friend sometimes that weren't very best friend-ly. _

_At first, Jane had tried to convince herself it was just an objective reaction, like admiring a beautiful work of art, but then again she'd never wanted to cuddle with a Rembrandt on the sofa and then fool around in ways that would get her grounded if her mother caught her. She wasn't gay, that wasn't possible she'd told herself, it was just sort of a Maura-thing. Everybody liked Maura. Jane still dated guys, even though nothing really clicked and trying wasn't improving things. Maura had tried to help and be supportive and set her up, but somehow that just made everything worse because she would stand in front of Jane and breathe, and breathing made her chest move, and then sometimes things sort of gapped, and that led to cleavage, and that made Jane's thoughts run straight across the border and into No Man's Land, which sounded just fine to her._

_But since Maura had said she couldn't come along, Jane had explained to Dr. Arden, that meant it was OK to let her guard down, so she had treated herself to that fourth beer, and that was when things got out of control. An intern had turned up and the autopsies hadn't taken that long, so Maura had hurried to join them and come in wearing That Dress. It wasn't just any dress, but the painted on blue leather one that left nothing to the imagination, and Jane was finding she had a very, very good imagination where Maura was concerned._

_When Maura found their table she was a little breathless from hurrying up the steps, and Jane just couldn't help staring. Her mind was already pleasantly buzzed and the sight of Maura tipped her straight over the edge and past all self-control. Frankie had been talking to her, but who cared about him when there was Maura._

_Jane let out a sigh as she mumbled dreamily, "Her."_

_It took a moment, but the dead silence from the table eventually got her attention. "What?" she slurred._

_"Um..." Frankie was holding a menu in one hand, one of the new ones that listed thirty eight things she didn't know how to pronounce but they still kept coming here because it was their place._

_"Jane?" Korsak cleared his throat. "Are you sure?"_

_Jane looked up at Maura who was no help. "Am I sure? Sure, I'm sure...about what?"_

_"I asked what you wanted...to eat." Frankie's eyes darted to one side. "And you said, um..."_

_As if a bucket of ice cold water had been poured over her, Jane felt the scraps of her sobriety scrambling desperately for traction. It was bad. It was worse than bad. She couldn't think of any way to play this off as a joke, not a remark like that. A high-pitched whistling noise penetrated her confusion and Jane realized that it was coming from her. She couldn't breathe. She tried again, struggling to pull air into her lungs, and the burning sensation worsened. She tried exhaling hard, as if her lungs were a flooded carburator, but that just left her feeling like a collapsed balloon._

_"Jane?" _

_She couldn't look up, couldn't look to Maura for help, the one person she could never make eye contact with ever again. Her vision was starting to go gray around the edges and she couldn't remember if the Heimlich would help or not, and even then how was she supposed to do it on herself? There was a poster up in the break room and whenever she had to eat lunch alone she would stare at it and think she should probably memorize the steps, but it was too late now. Maybe she should just die of embarrassment now and save herself the trouble._

_And then Frankie saved her life._

_"Wow." He nodded approvingly. "Good taste, sis. That's the first 10 I've seen in here all year." They all turned as one to look just beyond Maura where an auburn-haired woman with porcelain white skin and bright blue eyes stood. Perfectly balanced on 5" stilettos, she was wearing a tailored black skirt with a slit so high that Jane wondered if she needed a permit for it. To call the woman's shirt tight would have been an insult to compression bandages everywhere._

_"No kiddin'," Korsak said in a respectful undertone. "That's...wow." His gaze flickered back to Jane and she realized everyone else was staring at her as well. Even Maura seemed to be waiting expectantly for her to say something else._

_"I...uh..." she bleated._

_"She has remarkable bone structure," Maura said after a judicious evaluation. "Jane, would you like me to invite her over? She doesn't seem to be meeting anyone."_

_"I...uh, __**no**__, why would, uh..."_

_"Jane." Maura sat down next to her in the booth which meant thinking was out of the question now. "I can't speak for everyone, but it wouldn't be any particular shock if you were to want to date a woman. Are you concerned what we'll think?"_

_"'Cause that's stupid," Frankie said quickly. "I like girls, so what?"_

_Jane shot him a please-let-that-be-the-end-of-your-story glare. He wasn't getting anywhere either with his love life, but at the earnest, encouraging look on his face her lungs had begun to creak back to life._

_"If you won't, I will," Korsak chuckled._

_Jane simply stared back at them, too relieved that she could breathe again to say anything. With a silent whoop, her subconscious heaved a sigh of relief and high-fived her amygdala. The giant elephant in the corner of the room let out an elated trumpet. She'd finally said it out loud. After decades of softball playing, dog owning, Subaru driving, and sensible shoe wearing, Jane Rizzoli had finally admitted it. She was gay. _

_She was gay, and as it turned out no one cared. Her friends, her partners, her family, were all smiling and encouraging her. They weren't just accepting; they were happy. Hell, they were thrilled._

_"Well." Jane pulled herself up and gave a tentative smile. "I guess the cat's out of the bag." _

_Out of the bag, out of the closet, and into the light. Frankie was grinning proudly, Korsak motioned for another round, and Maura hugged her, so maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. The beer was making it hard for Jane to remember why she hadn't said something years ago, just to test the waters, but she was here now, plunging in headlong. And if everyone thought she was crushing on some random woman instead of her best friend, then she was completely off the hook. Nothing had to be awkward. The thing she was scared of most had finally happened and her life wasn't over—in fact, it was just beginning._

_And who knew, she thought blearily as they all squeezed into the booth together. Maybe she just needed to date a few women to let the pressure off. She might even meet someone special, maybe a blonde genius with great legs, hazel eyes and a dimple to die for._

_It had seemed like such a good plan. The only problem was that it wasn't working._

"Detective?" Dr. Arden's voice cut into her memories. "Do you remember?"

Jane looked up from her clasped hands and reluctantly met the counselor's gaze. "Yeah. Yes, I mean, thank you. You went over all the harassment policies and you were right, there haven't been any problems. I guess I was just so used to being worried about what people would think that I didn't notice what people really thought."

"Yes." Dr. Arden was nodding. "The most common source of initial conflict for a police officer coming out is in her relationship with her partners, but they were the ones supporting you immediately when you expressed interest in an attractive woman at the bar."

Right, Jane thought, that had been the code term she used with the counselor—attractive woman. No need to use names or get specific about the brilliant, gorgeous, goofy best friend she'd been dreaming about for a year now.

"Do you remember that we talked about the value of having supportive relationships?"

"Yeah." The word felt rusty and reluctant, like pulling nails. "You said, um, that if I could date instead of hiding that it would help with job pressure also, because not being able to be honest could affect my job performance."

Arden nodded. "That's right. It might be one thing if you had a government desk job, but with lives on the line, you deserve to have a relationship to help you cope with stress instead of creating more stress by containing everything."

Right. That had been the plan, so how had it all gone so incredibly wrong?

Arden was looking at her inquiringly. "I know it's only been a month, but are you seeing someone?"

Jane let out a weak, hollow laugh. That was the problem. Now that she'd given herself permission to admit what she felt, she couldn't _stop_ noticing women. Like being adrift in a lifeboat with no land in sight, taking a sip of sea water hadn't helped—it had only made her thirst that much worse. Now that her eyes were open, attractive women were everywhere and her subconscious was no longer keeping quiet about suggestions for what she should be doing with, and to, them. She had always given Frankie and Frost a hard time for horndogging after good-looking witnesses, but what she was thinking now was all that and ten times worse.

"No." Jane shook her head. Her voice sounded surprisingly quiet and sad.

Dr. Arden crossed her arms on the desk, eyes narrowed slightly behind her glasses. "Forgive me then, but...why do you need to see me? What's the problem?"

"It's me," Jane said heavily. "I need to turn myself in for sexual harassment."


	2. Chapter 2

One hour earlier that morning...

Jane poked her head furtively into the Division One cafe. It was still early and she didn't see any sign of her mother at the register, so she helped herself to a cup at the self-serve coffee station which was tolerably bitter at best. What she really wanted was a large flat white from Boston Joe's to get her through the morning. Every cell in her body was aching for that smooth, velvety wake-up call, almost as much as she was aching to take Maura in her arms and push her up against the wall and do things that would get her arrested.

The thought made her heart flip for all the wrong reasons, and that was why she couldn't go to Boston Joe's, where Maura would be picking up a flat white of her own, and possibly a fat-free lemon poppyseed muffin.

_Muffin_, Jane thought despondently. That sounded like the kind of nickname that normal couples gave each other. She wondered if anyone had ever given Maura a nickname, other than that ridiculous Bore-a one that didn't make any sense. Ian probably had, maybe something deep and meaningful in Ethiopian. _Muffin_ sounded dumb compared to that—dumb and boring, the way Jane felt herself compared to Maura.

"Jane, there you are."

Hearing Maura's voice behind her, Jane closed her eyes in frustration. _C'mon, c'mon, I'm trying to be good._ "Yep," she sighed. "Just filling up."

Maura stood beside her at the coffee station, looking poised and fashionable, of course, in a mint green dress with very unsensible heels to match. She must not have an autopsy scheduled, Jane thought, or she would've worn pants and changed into her scrubs later, maybe the black ones. Knowing Maura, everything had to match, which meant there was green lingerie just inches away, and despite her best efforts not to think about it, she...

"Jane?"

"Uh, yes. Yes?"

"I asked when you're getting off today."

Jane smirked down at her coffee cup. _As soon as I get some privacy._ Before the thought had finished, she felt a wave of guilt. She'd always managed to keep her fantasies comfortably vague, fooling even herself as to what she really felt. But since that night at the Robber when she'd finally admitted to herself, and everyone within earshot, just what she really wanted, now the person she saw when she closed her eyes had a very familiar profile, with strong, gentle hands, and soft hair that...

"Uh...I don't know," she blurted. "Late probably, why?"

"The department is encouraging employees to carpool this month to conserve resources. I brought your mother in this morning and she has a date with Sgt. Cavanaugh after work, so I thought you might like to ride back with me and stay for dinner. We could come together in the morning?"

Jane's vision blurred, the cheap plastic and pressboard furniture of the cafe giving way to Maura's exquisitely decorated bedroom. She fought to pull her mind out of the fantasy but Maura's hand was on her arm and...

_Maura's hands were clutching in silent encouragement as they moved together. The silk sheets were cool and soft against her legs as she rolled to tuck Maura beneath her. "Can you wait?" Jane coaxed. Maura's body was trembling on the brink, but Jane had found she could easily hold off her own climax just by watching Maura, caught up and helpless. She could watch this all day, better than food, better than sleep._

_"W-why?"_

_"I want to watch you," Jane confessed._

_"Well, all right, but I didn't think you were interested in how my coffeemaker works."_

When Jane blinked, her vision cleared and she saw Maura staring at her with a puzzled expression. "But," her friend shrugged, "if you want to learn how to operate the steamer instead of just making fun of it, we can have coffee at my house first instead of picking it up on the way in? 8:30?"

While they talked, Jane had continued mindlessly pumping the coffee dispenser. As she opened her mouth, hot coffee shot over the back of her hand. Yelping, she bent over and clutched her hand between her knees.

"Here...here, sit down." Maura's voice was concerned and gentle as she pulled out one of the chairs from the nearest table and maneuvered Jane into it. She knelt, an impressive achievement in a dress that tight, and hissed sympathetically at the sight of the red splotch spreading across the back of Jane's hand. She motioned for a uniform to bring a cup of crushed ice over from the soda fountain and created an ice pack out of her silk scarf.

"Don't," Jane mumbled. "I'll get it dirty."

"That's silly." Maura wrapped the ends of the scarf around and neatly tucked them under to hold the ice in place. "I don't mind."

Jane closed her eyes and focused on the pain to keep her mind from running amok with the remark. She'd be lucky to escape the conversation with any body parts intact at all.

"Just hold that for a moment." Maura smiled at her, kind, reassuring and competent. "I'm sorry I didn't ask about carpooling sooner, but we've both been so busy and I kept thinking I would run into you."

"That's me, social butterfly." Jane could hear herself talking, felt her lips moving but things kept flying out without her consent. She needed to be careful, more than careful, or one of them might be the truth.

After so many years trying to balance everything she thought and felt, to make sure her family was proud of her, Jane wasn't even sure how to simply say what she thought. She had learned to say she wanted to be a cop to protect kids because that was acceptable for a woman. Saying it was because she wanted to catch bad guys just led to questions about why a pretty girl wanted to do something like that. She liked playing sports, but of course that was to stay in shape and be attractive, not because she liked competition and adrenaline. She didn't have a lot of female friends because, well, because the job didn't leave her much time. It wasn't because they made her uncomfortably aware of herself and because it made her wonder what it would be like to kiss someone first instead of waiting and being disappointed.

"So is that all right?"

Jane raised her eyebrows, giving the fake attentive look, as if she'd been deep in thought, but it had never worked on Sister Winifred and it probably wasn't working on Maura now. "Well, I wouldn't want to...not conserve energy," Jane said carefully. "But I kinda have plans tonight, so can we pick another day?" _And maybe I can have more plans then._

"Plans? That's wonderful." Maura gave her the suggestive look she did whenever a guy had shown an interest in her, which always made Jane feel funny inside. It was embarrassing when men approached her and she didn't know how to handle it, like a kindergarten kid who just punched little girls instead of hugging them. But there was this other little flutter that hit her stomach too when Maura looked at her that way, and Jane wondered if that was what it would feel like if...no, she didn't need to wonder about that.

Maura had pulled a chair over so they could sit together. Maura her fingertips across the back of Jane's hand, and instantly the pain lessened, replaced by an itching tension of an entirely different kind.

"I don't think it's going to blister," Maura said, "but you might want to hold hands with your other hand for a little while. I'm sorry, I was assuming that your plans are a date. Is it Cheryl?"

Two weeks ago, Cheryl from Maura's country club had dropped by the Robber. This wasn't a setup, Maura had explained earnestly after she'd waved Cheryl over to the table. It was just a coincidence and lunch, and if Jane liked what she saw then maybe it could be dinner some other time.

Yes, Jane had thought, she liked what she saw, but she wasn't looking at Cheryl. She had been trying not to look at anyone at all, but when your mother lived with your best friend, then avoiding the matter was, well, unavoidable.

"I mean, she seemed nice," Jane allowed. "But we didn't really click. Did you know she's a cat person?"

Maura's lips pursed, and Jane wondered if that was what she looked like in the moment before she kissed, which was the last thing she should be wondering. "I did detect a certain amount of white animal fur on her overcoat, but that doesn't necessarily indicate cat ownership."

"Well, if it's not a cat then it's the Abominable Snowman and we're all gonna be rich. It's a cat, Maura, OK?"

Maura replaced the ice pack on her hand, as if that should settle the matter. "You can keep ice on it for 10 minutes at a time," she instructed. "That should help cool things down."

_Maybe that's what I need, _Jane thought morosely. _An ice pack for my underwear._ "Thanks, Maur."

"Come see me if you notice any blistering. Oh, were you bringing those for me?"

Jane felt the papers she'd had tucked under her arm being tugged away. "Yeah, I need a signature," she lied. She had actually intended to wait until that afternoon and try to catch Dr. Green, to avoid running into Maura and give her fevered imagination a break. "Y'know you don't have to," Jane said but Maura searched for a pen. "I know you're busy at work, I didn't want to assume."

"You don't have to ask, Jane." Maura stood to use the low table to spread the papers out and find the signature line with a graceful, manicured forefinger. "I'd do anything for you." As she bent over, Jane tried to glance away but it was too late and...

_"You don't have to ask." The words fell as a breathless gasp from Maura's lips as Jane found the hem of her skirt, pulling it slowly up over her hips._

_An unfinished report slid off the edge of the desk and fluttered to the floor. Maura's hands struggled to brace against the desk as Jane embraced her from behind, using her height and weight to bend her forward._

_"I know you're busy at work." She worked the buttons of Maura's shirt with one hand while the other found the hem of her silk underwear. "I didn't want to assume."_

_"J-Jane...," she panted. "I'd do anything for you."_

_"Anything?" Jane pitched her voice in mock surprise. Anything was a really big word but they were well on their way to exploring every inch of it. She pressed forward with one knee, nudging Maura's feet apart as they melted together onto the desk._

_"I need you...r-right now."_

_Jane chuckled. Her fingers had just confirmed that for herself. "Just can't wait?"_

_"If it's not too much trouble. Susie's out today and I'm having a little trouble preparing some biopsy samples. I could use the help if you don't mind?"_

Jane's mind went mercifully blank as the fantasy shattered in tiny fragments. "Sure, I guess." She tried to shrug as her eyes came back into focus. Microscopes sounded safe enough. "What do you need?" _Please don't say you need a hand...please, anything but that._

"They've changed the packaging for the slipcovers," Maura explained, "and I'm having a little trouble setting up the slides. Have you ever made a wet mount?"

Jane's entire body vaporlocked.

_She knew every inch of Maura's skin, slick with desire, friction and heat, but there was never enough time to explore and satisfy her curiosity. Maura was insistent, trying to take control and move them past this sweet moment, but Jane easily held her back._

_"You're in a hurry," she teased. "Why?"_

_Maura's face and chest were flushed as she struggled to focus. "Are you trying...to kill me?"_

_Jane grinned. "No, just being sure you're ready." She knew she shouldn't laugh, but Maura was just so damn cute when she was frustrated and turned on._

_"I __**am**__ ready, you..." An expletive slipped out which made Jane's eyes widen and then she burst out laughing. "I-I just mean...Jane, there are entire swimming pools that are drier."_

_She couldn't deny that, but then she couldn't deny Maura anything. Like tonight, when Maura had said matter-of-factly that not only did she want to do that thing that had been mentioned in the movie last night, but she happened to own the equipment for it, if Jane was willing. And how could she turn down a sweet, pleading smile like that?_

_"All right, all right." She tried to soothe Maura, to kiss away her frustration, as she shifted her hips slightly. Maura's whole body was trembling beneath her. "Close your eyes, baby. We're gonna go really slow. Don't think, just feel. Feel how much I love you." _

_"Have...you done this before?" Maura's voice was breathy and wondering._

_"Uh, no?" Jane confessed. "Can you do it wrong?"_

_"You'll be fine as long as you're sure to have sufficient moisture on the surface of the slide before applying the cover glass. It should only take a few minutes."_

Before Jane could reply that she was planning on making the whole thing last much longer that that—what was she, a sixteen year old guy?—she realized that her brain had betrayed her again. She glanced up and found herself caught in Maura's eyes, ashamed but unable to look away.

Jane tried to think of something else to say but all she could trust herself to do was to nod her agreement that of course she would help Maura with her lab project. She tried to summon up all the usual tricks, the little mannerisms she'd developed over the years to make everything a joke so she couldn't be hurt when she didn't get what she wanted, and she was never going to have Maura. Someone else, someone like Maura maybe, and that would have to be good enough.

"Jane? Are you all right?"

No. No, she wasn't. Anything her best friend said made her have impulses that were unacceptable and practically Neanderthal. It was bad enough to be thinking like this about random strangers, but her best friend?

The most disturbing thing to Jane was what it said about herself. She didn't respect Maura or care about her feelings. There was no going on dates in her fantasies, no talking or holding hands or romantic dinners or napping together on the couch. All she thought about was trying to get Maura in bed and dominating her. Christ, if her subconscious was coming up with this who knew what she might actually do if given the chance? She needed to get herself back under control and learn how to cope with these impulses before she could be trusted around Maura. Maybe she still had the phone number Cheryl had given her. No, that would be even worse, just using someone and not feeling anything for her. The genie was out of the bottle now, but maybe she could...

_Maybe you could take a cold shower. _

Before Jane could help herself, the words began to link and spin. A shower, the chemical shower in the morgue, Maura changing in front of her, Maura in the shower, a hot shower at home, covered in lather, Maura with her eyes closed, head back, while she...

"I, uh, I gotta go." Jane pulled her hands back, startling Maura. "Sorry, I...I forgot." If only she could forget.

"All right." Maura stood and took a half-step after her. Her voice was confused and slightly hurt. "Well, maybe later then? Or we could just go to lunch?"

Jane made a strangled, non-committal reply as she slapped the elevator button and bolted inside as it opened. It was so perfectly Maura—always supportive, wanting to be a part of her life in any way she could, but not the way Jane wanted.

"Wait!" Maura called as she managed to slip past the elevator doors just as they closed. "If you're going down, I'll come."

Jane's knuckles turned white as her hands turned into fists as the doors closed. _Help me_, she whispered to the universe even as her sight began to blur and she envisioned herself pressing the Emergency Stop Button and then backing Maura into one corner of the car so she could grip the railings for balance and then slowly knelt down.

"Jane...are you all right?" Maura touched her shoulder and Jane flinched away, just as the elevator jolted to an unexpected stop just one floor down. She tried to hide the way her breath came more quickly, and she shrugged to cover her reaction, moving to one side away from Maura to let on a uniform and two secretaries. As she glanced out into the reception area, she spotted a woman in horn-rimmed glasses and a conservative, ill-fitting suit carrying enough file folders to fill two cabinets. As the woman walked towards her office, a path opened before her as police officers and detectives instinctively moved away.

Dr. Amanda Arden, B.S., PhD, M.D., department psychiatrist. The one person every cop wanted to avoid at all costs, the one office where Maura wouldn't think to look for her, and the one person who might be able to help.

Jane bolted out of the elevator and left Maura staring after her in bewilderment.


	3. Chapter 3

"I see," Dr. Arden said it in a way which indicated there would be at least a dozen followup questions to come. "Yes, I see."

Actually, Jane hoped she didn't. Yes, she'd crashed into the office in a panic, but needing help and actually _wanting_ it were two different things.

"It took a great deal of courage for you to come here this morning and share that. There's one thing I'm not clear about though. Exactly what did you do that constitutes sexual harassment?"

Jane felt her eyes narrow to slits and then had to force them open again so she could actually see Dr. Arden. "Did you hear _anything_ I said? About this stuff in my head and how I keep nearly blurting it out? At work? I've gotta focus, I've got a _gun_ here," she gestured wildly at her left hip. "I can't be distracted like that, but it's like I can't help myself. Is this what guys go through? Because it sucks."

She swallowed uncomfortably in the silence that followed as Dr. Arden sat back. Her expression had gone from receptive and analytical to something almost sad. Jane had never really thought of shrinks as sympathetic listeners, not like Maura was, but Dr. Arden was moving around from behind her desk to sit in the matching chair next to her.

"Det. Rizzoli," she said quietly. "I would be very hesitant to label what sounds like natural sexual urges as criminal, bad, or even inappropriate in and of themselves. What matters is how you express them. Just to be clear, you haven't actually said anything out loud to a co-worker, female or otherwise, of an inappropriate nature?"

"No, not yet," Jane admitted. "But I come so close to accidentally blurting stuff, it feels like it's just a matter or time. The intent is there and that's all you need for a crime. Hey, can you get me a transfer? Something that won't show on my record, maybe a task force or something?"

Dr. Arden removed her reading glasses and gave Jane a frank, appraising look. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that what you're experiencing is perfectly natural. When we notice someone attractive—in your case now, women—our brains have evolved to experience a certain set of responses, and you're functioning normally. What's difficult in your case is that while most of us develop filters and coping skills throughout puberty, you're getting a late start because of the delayed emergence of your sexuality."

Jane felt herself slumping lower in her seat. Great. It was bad enough that she'd had to take Geometry twice. There should be a column on report card for this. Maybe...maybe, she thought in horror, that was what _plays well with others_ was really all about. She'd never gotten good marks in that. What she needed was a category for _plays well with self _because... Jane choked at the double entendre. Well, straight A's in that at least.

She slumped a little more in her seat and she could hear her mother telling her to sit up straight. That was better than thinking about Maura at least, who would have suggested some kind of corrective yoga class and that would mean tank tops and skin tight pants and bending over in all kinds of...

"So what do I do?" she asked despondently.

"I want you to try thinking of it this way. Have you ever received a flyer in the mail for a product you didn't ask for?"

Jane shrugged. "Sure, junk mail. Everyone does."

"Exactly. You didn't ask for it, you never intended to act on it, and you threw it away. That's what these thoughts are like. You receive them because you're alive. Unfortunately, you can't simply unsubscribe your brain from your sexuality, and therein lies the rub."

Rub, Jane thought idly, rub, chafe...massage...

_Jane passed her hands up Maura's back, pressing deeply into oil-slicked skin. A soft moan escaped Maura as she shuddered with relief. Jane chuckled as she brought her hands around, stroking down smooth, sleek curves. "See, no need to drop a hundred bucks on Anyuam whatsheraman."_

_"I had no idea," Maura murmured drowsily. "You'll h've to tell me when you're 'vailable again. You m'st be popular to h've your own table."_

_Jane let one hand rest on Maura's neck, stroking back her dark blonde hair. Actually she had raced out to buy the massage table along with everything else—candles, oil, the annoying instrumental CD, and one very thin sheet—after Maura had spent their entire lunchtime pouting over her cancelled appointment and wondering where she could go on short notice._

_Maura smiled in contentment, relaxing into her touch, as Jane whispered, "If you don't want to stop, I'm all yours for the night...every night if you want. Turn over and I can make your front feel as good as your back."_

_Maura's breath stuttered as her eyes flickered open. Slowly but without hesitation, she turned beneath the sheet and lay on her back, looking up at Jane with utter trust. Without needing to look, she found Jane's hand and took it in her own, bringing it to her lips. "Are you sure your hands aren't too tired?"_

_Jane hooked the tip of one finger under the edge of the sheet, slowly drawing it down and off Maura's naked body. "Who said I was going to use my hands?"_

_"What else were you planning to use with the grip strengthener?"_

Jane's eyes flew open and she looked down at her cupped hands and the squishy blue foam ball she didn't remember Dr. Arden handing to her. "I...err, nothing," she mumbled and gave the ball a tentative squeeze.

"For now, I want you to keep that with you at all times," Dr. Arden said. "Whenever you have an urge or a thought you want to control, squeeze the ball and channel your feelings into it until you can focus again. And here's an extra one you can keep in your desk."

_Perfect_, Jane thought sourly. _Like I needed more blue balls._

Dr. Arden seemed to be waiting for something, so she squeezed the ball in her left hand several times. It had taken years, but she had full range of motion back finally. The scars Hoyt had left had nearly vanished though, as if her hands were swallowing up the past, but it was really thanks to Maura. One night she had come over and brought a little tub of some special hand cream that she said would be good for trigger finger calluses. Grumbling, Jane had agreed to try it, and within a week the scars had begun to fade along with the calluses. Once when it was cold and her hands had ached, Maura had helped rub it in for her while they sat on the couch and watched a movie, and Jane had drifted off on Maura's shoulder. She felt a warm little glow in her stomach whenever she thought about that night, and it took everything she had not to let her eyes close and just float in the memory.

"Thanks," she said, squeezing the ball so tightly that the scars vanished completely. "I'll probably wind up with Popeye forearms, but I hear some girls like that."

Dr. Arden seemed to be smiling at her, and Jane thought that was a little weird. Shrinks weren't supposed to really like you, they just pretended to so they could trick things out of you. But, she argued back, Dr. Arden seemed kinda nice and she was trying to help. It couldn't hurt to listen and it certainly couldn't get any worse.

And then it did.

"While, as I said, you can't unsubscribe your brain, you can control your environment until you can get a handle on things. You need to reduce incoming stimuli and limit contact with women wherever possible."

Jane felt a thin cold trickle of sweat begin to run down her back. But she worked with Maura and her mother was embedded at Maura's, literally. She bit her lip, hard, trying to keep her mind from seizing on the idea of how she'd like to be embedded at Maura's too.

"I don't know how practical that is," she said skeptically. "We're 50% of the population, y'know."

"50.82% at last count. You're right, it wouldn't be possible to entirely avoid women but you should spend time with people who don't cause these kinds of reactions and also avoid any known triggers. Then, over time, as you've increased your confidence in yourself, you can gradually resume normal social interactions."

Her head was starting to hurt and she felt her chest growing tight and painful. Sending Korsak to the morgue instead of going herself so she could know that Maura had made it to work safely? Consulting with another ME and not being able to tell Maura why? Having to come up with excuses for why she couldn't come inside when she came to see her mother? No stopping by for lunch, getting to hear Maura rattle on about whatever crazy thing had crossed her mind, or shopping at the Whole Foods, or waiting in the car while she picked up her dry cleaning, or helping Maura re-organize her wine collection when she bought a new bottle that fell in the middle of the alphabet? No staying for a night cap that might turn into sleeping over, sometimes in the same bed? No waking up in the middle of the night to watch Maura sleep and counting the breaths and then kissing her own fingertips to brush across Maura's pillow so she just might roll over in the night and...

"Det. Rizzoli?"

Jane let out a helpless whimper as she looked up. From the expression on the counselor's face, she already knew the answer—she had finally crossed the line as she feared and spoken her thoughts out loud.

"Detective...you've implied that this is a general problem you were having, but from what you just said it sounds like this is about one woman in particular. Is that true?"

Jane sank her head in her hands. One woman—that was all she wanted, just one she couldn't forget, one who meant everything in the world to her. "Yes," she whispered.

"Then I'm afraid the situation is much more serious than I thought at first."

Jane felt her heart even lower. "How is that friggin' possible? I'm already miserable, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm a zombie, all I can think about is...is her. It wasn't like that before. We could be friends just fine, but now I can't _unsee_ her." Jane wasn't able to keep her voice from cracking. "Everything reminds me of her when we're not together, even stupid freaking ingredient labels. How do I get this back in the bottle?"

Dr. Arden smiled again and Jane briefly considered punching her. "You're enjoying yourself," Jane muttered.

"I'll admit, it's a novelty to have a police officer come to my office voluntarily, but no. I don't enjoy seeing my patients in pain. I didn't say your situation was worse, I said more serious. You've misdiagnosed yourself, Det. Rizzoli. You're not on the verge of committing sexual harassment," she said gently, "you're in love."

Jane stared at the counselor, uncomprehending. As many times as she tried to turn the words around, they came out the same and they still made no sense. She pushed herself up straight in her chair, now towering over the doctor but that didn't help either.

"No," she said carefully. "No, that's not possible. This isn't what love is like. I can't do relationships, I always screw it up. I'm just obsessing about sex and...and, y'know, and love is...it's like flowers and going on dates and walks in the park. I think," she added lamely. "I mean, I guess, I don't know, I'm not good at this."

"Actually," Dr. Arden said, "it sounds like you already care for this woman very much and this attraction has grown from a longstanding friendship. The purest expression of love is doing what's best for the other person regardless of how it makes you feel, and that's exactly what you've been trying to do, even to the point where you're asking for help in removing your own feelings."

Jane scrunched up her face. _Well, when you put it that way... _

"Since you already know how to express yourself emotionally, your subconscious has been experimenting with how you would like to express yourself physically as well, something you've always repressed. I know it was embarrassing and difficult earlier when you described your fantasies, but based on what you shared it seems that you would be a passionate, creative, gentle, playful lover. Yes, perhaps dominant in some ways which is in keeping with a strong personality, but completely devoted to your partner's satisfaction. I can't imagine a more desirable combination."

Jane didn't know what to say to that, but when she looked down she found that she had squeezed one of the foam balls completely out of shape. _Imagine what you'd do to her_, she thought morosely.

Instead of waiting for an answer, Dr. Arden returned to her desk and began checking something on her computer. Jane tried to make her mind as blank as possible by staring at her shoes and it was a relief when Dr. Arden hit the final keystroke with a flourish and said:

"I managed to squeeze your appointment in for today so you can get started right away."

Jane brightened. "Is there a pill or something?" She was pretty sure there had to be—they had pills for everything else. "If I could just numb out maybe?"

"Nothing that drastic. I've signed you up for a sensitivity training seminar."

"I already tried that," Jane said flatly. "I got written up for trying to hit the counselor."

"I don't think anyone will be forgetting that anytime soon," Dr. Arden agreed. Her smile had grown tight at the memory. "Ms. Lomax is very happy now with the public school system, by the way. Actually, I was thinking of a different approach. We've had exceptional success with training some members of the department to serve as sensitivity specialists, to offer peer counseling and guidance. This kind of advice seems to be better received if it comes from colleagues. I've made an appointment for you with one of our top graduates so you can have a safe place to talk about your feelings, and you can have an accountability partner as you work on channeling your energies in more productive ways until you feel capable of safely interacting again."

Jane felt the elephant that had been sitting on her chest suddenly leap up and lumber off to look for food. She could breathe again, there was hope. This was something she hadn't tried before—maybe it would be like going out with the guys, teammates, buds, just like that night at the Robber when she'd finally admitted she was gay. She already felt better after talking just a little, so maybe an actual specialist could help more.

After a hasty promise to let Dr. Arden know how things went, Jane practically floated back to the elevator. As she approached, she gave the foam ball a firm squeeze, tightening her forearm and banishing any thoughts of illicit secret trysts in public places. Elevators were for transportation, she reminded herself, not copulation.

Jane realized she didn't know if she was supposed to ride up or down to go to her appointment, and she glanced at the card that Dr. Arden had pressed into her palm. Looking down at the neat cursive script, she felt her head begin to slowly spin as she read:

_10:00 a.m.—Dr. Maura Isles_

* * *

A/N: Uh oh...


	4. Chapter 4

Even as Jane stared in shock at the appointment card directing her to go to Maura's office, she knew there was no way out of it. Dr. Arden had set up the appointment by computer and Maura had eight different calendars, all merged together on her phone. (Jane had teased her once that she even scheduled naps which led to a discussion about circadian rhythms, and the last thing Jane needed right now was the words _Maura_, _bed, _and _rhythm_ in the same sentence.)

The elevator doors opened at the morgue level and for a moment Jane wondered if she could just stay inside and ride up and down the elevator all day and claim that the doors had gotten stuck. But knowing Maura, she would worry so much that she would recruit Angela to help her sweep the building, and then she'd never live that down.

Staring at Maura's office door, Jane took a deep breath and made a casually brusque charge inside. She was relieved to find Maura absorbed in her laptop, the one with the ridiculously cute plaid pattern on the lid. She was absentmindedly nibbling the tip of one pinky as she scrolled down the page. She didn't seem to have noticed Jane who took a long, guilty minute to simply stare. Maura's dark blonde hair was pulled back in a thick ponytail, but it would only take a gentle tug to pull it free and send it spilling over her shoulders. Jane thought about her own tangled, wiry mess and how it was barely on speaking terms with her these days. Maura's hair was so soft and pretty, she probably...

Maura looked up and smiled. The world stopped. "Jane."

Just the way Maura said her name made her feel funny inside. She'd never really liked her name one way or the other, just ordinary and average—plain Jane. But when Maura said it, she felt strong and needed. She imagined it would be the most beautiful sound in the world if Maura were to whisper it in her ear.

_Jane tried to pull the covers up over her head, but they kept slipping away from her."Stahp," she grumbled. "Stopstop..."_

_"Jane." Lips were brushing her ear, whispering her name. "Jane."_

_She forced one eye open, blinking and fighting to clear the sleep out. "Hi."_

_Maura smiled down as she gently traced her jaw with the tip of one finger. "Good morning."_

_"Eh, 'm awake" Jane barely managed to finish without yawning. "Is it t'day?"_

_Maura nodded, her finger drifting down the cleft in Jane's chin. "You agreed that we would do morning cardio three days a week before work, and..." Her words vanished in a startled squeak as Jane snaked one arm around her waist and pulled her into the bed. "Jane, what...you promised..."_

_"We will," Jane chuckled as she managed to find the zipper on Maura's double-stitched, water resistant windbreaker with the MP3 pouch and packable hood. "Cardio, my way."_

_"I'm so sorry about earlier. I had no idea."_

_Jane thought the remark was as confusing as the double clasp on Maura's extra supportive sports bra, but then she realized she was daydreaming again and..._

"What are you sorry about?" Jane was almost afraid to know, but she needed a map to the minefield if she was going to make it out of this appointment in one piece.

"This morning," Maura said as she stood. "When I startled you while you were getting coffee. I had no idea what you were dealing with."

Which would imply that she did have an idea _now_, Jane thought, eyes widening. She tried to think of something to say, anything that would steer them away from the appointment. "What're you talking about?" she bluffed. "I promised I'd come help with those slide cover bioppy things. Do you have everything set up?"

"Oh! No, don't worry about that," Maura assured her. "Yes, I'd be happy for the help, but that's not as important as what's bothering you. I'll let you know if I can't reach and need to borrow your fingers."

Jane felt the blood drain from her face at the words as her mind slipped out from under her.

_"I certainly won't stop you from trying," Maura said between kisses. "It would be a very enjoyable way to spend the evening, but extensive studies of the female anatomy have yet to confirm the existence of the G..."_

_"If I find it," Jane cut in, "do I win something?"_

_Maura kissed her again, smiling into her mouth. "Yes, then you can have a prize."_

_Jane really had no idea what she was doing, aside from the pointers that she'd gathered from a magazine in the dentist's office waiting room. Supposedly this was one of five things her girlfriend would love when the lights went off, so she had discreetly torn the page out to take home. Given the vocal feedback she was getting now, she was going to be ordering an annual subscription to __Men's Health__ first thing tomorrow morning_

_Barely moments later, she felt Maura slip into a shuddering ecstasy that seemed to last for minutes, and each second of it made Jane happier than she had imagined possible. As Maura's breath calmed, she began to brush strands of hair aside and nudge her with kisses_

_"So, um, what's my prize?" She had some suggestions, starting with Maura reading the article for herself, but the sheer satisfaction of making Maura happy was reward enough. _

_There was the ghost of a sigh, blissful with satisfaction as Maura coiled herself around Jane. "Something you've never had before."_

_"You sure? There's not much I haven't had at this point."_

_"Dessert."_

_Jane chuckled. "I like the sound of that."_

_"Susie brought in low-fat angel food cake with a sugar-free blueberry compote yesterday. Don't worry, it's not in the dead people fridge."_

Jane jolted back to herself, the fantasy shattering with near audible finality. "Why...what does that have to do with your bioppy things?"

Maura gave a frank little shrug. "Nothing. I just thought you would like a snack while we talk. It seems to be a standard part of the 'girl talk' ritual according to your mother."

"I don't do girl talk, Maur, you know that. Look, I'm sure it's great and it won't rot my teeth or...or have a taste, but if you don't need help I should..."

"Jane—please wait." The last time Jane had seen that look, she'd wound up accepting a jar of Marmite from Maura to ward off vitamin B deficiencies. She still had the unopened jar and probably the deficiencies too. "Dr. Arden was very concerned about an issue that you're dealing with."

"What, uh, what did she say?"

"She asked if I had time to help with an emergency consultation, and as soon as I saw your name I said yes, of course. I didn't even finish reading her email," Maura confessed. "I didn't need to." She closed the laptop with a firm click that seemed to echo in the office as she moved around her desk to stand squarely inside Jane's personal space. "I should have been the one to say something first, but you shouldn't feel awkward—I see it as a compliment."

Jane felt her eyebrows merging into a single dark line as her face was folding inward on itself in fear and apprehension.

_Maura knew..._

Somehow that big brain of hers had figured it out. Now she was going to deliver an incredibly elegant, sophisticated version of the "it's not you, it's me" speech and then let her down easy because, of course, they would always be friends.

"Please. Do we have to talk about this?" Jane whispered. "Can't we just...let it go?" _Shit, now I'll have that song stuck in my head. She even kinda looks like that girl. Stop, stop, stop!_

Maura wasn't listening. "I should have realized. You're such a strong, confident person and it's hard for you to ask for help because you don't want to be seen as weak. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Jane was too busy trying to decide between the letter opener or a fountain pen as the best way to commit ritual suicide, and she didn't notice what Maura was doing until it was too late. She stiffened and held perfectly still as Maura embraced her, but instead of releasing her after a socially appropriate three seconds, Maura clung even more tightly.

Jane waited like any good deer in headlights, but Maura still didn't pull away. Finally Jane's eyes closed as her body slowly softened and fitted itself to Maura as if she had been designed for this. A blissful warmth bubbled up, filling her with an unexpected peace, the first she'd felt in weeks. Her face was buried against Maura's hair, lost in the comforting, familiar scent. If she could just stay like this...

Jane felt a sudden, sharp pain in her left hand and realized she had clenched it into a tight fist just as it was sliding downwards along the curve of Maura's back, heading for another much more dangerous curve. The pain cleared her mind and let her recover her breath so she could draw back.

"Sorry," she said gruffly. "Not much of a hugger."

Maura beamed up at her. "I thought I was the one who couldn't lie."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're worried because you've met someone, but you don't know how to show your feelings. I can help! You don't pull away from me like you do with everyone else. We can work on this together until you feel confident enough to approach her and ask her out." Maura's enthusiasm was shining in her bright hazel eyes as she grasped Jane's forearm. "Did you meet her at work? I imagine you've always had admirers but they would be more forward now."

Jane's eyes shifted to every unoccupied corner of the room. She'd been too concerned with trying to ignore one woman to notice any others, but now that Maura mentioned it, there had been an awful lot of smiles in the hallway and free coffee lately. _Dayum..._

"Yeah." Jane raised her eyebrows in a wistful way as she let out a heavy sigh. "It kinda blindsided me, so I, uh, asked Dr. Arden for advice about workplace, um, dating, and she blew it all out of proportion. The more I denied it, the worse it looked, so I said OK to this to get her off my back. I'm really sorry it's messing up your schedule."

Maura was nodding intently, her eyes focused and sympathetic. "I'm here, Jane. You don't have to face this alone."

"Actually, I'm pretty OK doing this by myself." At the look Maura shot her, she let out a groaning protest. "What? I'm not fifteen! I don't need a chaperone."

"Oh please, Jane." Maura was practically giggling now, hiding her smile with one hand. "You're as bad as a shoebill stork about rejecting affection."

"Excuse me?"

"They refuse to breed in captivity and no one knows why. They're very uncooperative," Maura said in a disapproving tone.

"Gee, I wonder why. Oh, I know—they don't want anybody watching! And I don't reject affection," she insisted. "Where'd you get that from? I'm Italian, we're really affectionate! I just don't think you should do it out in public." _Although the back seat is OK_, her mind added unhelpfully.

Maura's smile was indulgent but she was obviously unswayed. "You flinch away every time your mother tries to hug you and your whole body becomes rigid. You avoid hugs by putting your hand out first and giving that 'not a hugger' excuse."

"One time," Jane protested. "And he turned out to be a serial killer, so I don't think that should count against me."

"All of this is just the exception that proves the rule." Maura crossed the office to the window overlooking the autopsy suite and shut the blind. "This is a safe place," she said as she locked the door. "We can't be disturbed, and you can say or do anything you want and no one will ever know."

Multiple fantasies collided simultaneously, blocking Jane's access to her speech center for several seconds. She fumbled through her pockets, found the stress ball and crushed it in one fist. "M-maybe, you should leave the door open?" she managed at last.

"That's silly." Maura looked more bemused than upset. "You know, the only person who's ever suggested that I was up to anything in my office was you, and that was when I helped Frankie prepare for his detective's exam. That wasn't even a very good joke," she added severely. "He's the closest thing I have to a brother. You know, there have been studies done on Israeli children raised together in kibbutz communes who had strong aversion responses in adulthood which prevented them from marrying despite not being related biologically or having..."

"Uh huh. Well. As fascinating as that _sounds_," Jane said, "y'know what?" She shrugged back her sleeve, exposing her watch and checking it with exaggerated care. "I think our time is up and I've got criminals to catch. Why don't we have lunch this week maybe? You can even put it in your little calendar." She gestured at Maura's desk, fingers waggling.

Maura waved over one shoulder, a casual dismissal of the calendar, her laptop, hell, her entire career, Jane thought in surprise. "Dr. Green said he could come in early and I'm going to take a shift for him next week so he can go to his son's school program. Nothing's more important to me than how you feel."

As much as Jane had longed to hear those words, she had never imagined that they would make her heart sink like they did now. She tried to think of another excuse, but Maura had leaned over to search through her desk drawers—did she own _anything_ that didn't have a neckline down to Costa Rica?

Fortunately, Maura hadn't seemed to notice as she returned to sit down on the office couch with her notebook and pen. She tucked her legs gracefully under her and patted the cushion beside her.

Jane forced herself to shuffle over and flop down at the opposite end of the couch, practically sitting on the end table. "OK, now what?"

Maura cleared her throat, composing herself. "I think the phrase _sensitivity training_ has some negative connotations for you. I admit that I had my own preconceptions too. I thought becoming a consultant would just be something helpful to put on my resume."

"Because it's so lacking in impressive skills," Jane deadpanned. It made Maura smile though, and she smiled back. Her face twinged, as if she'd gotten out of practice somehow. She hadn't smiled much without Maura in the last month and her heart felt stiff and sore.

"I was surprised to find that the training had a significant impact on me personally. It's helped me become more understanding and nonjudgmental with my staff. I've tried to put myself in their shoes...well, not literally of course." Maura glanced over her shoulder, as if there could possibly be anyone behind her. "Some of the morgue attendants wear Crocs," she confided with a nod.

"No."

"Yes! But then I realized how a lack of disposable income might lead them to choose affordable synthetic footwear, and now I have less of an urge to ask them to change." Maura smiled, obviously pleased with herself.

"If you're trying to get me to go shoe shopping," Jane said, "you can stop now."

Maura nodded, mouth pursed in consideration. "That would be too much to hope for. What I mean is that if you strive to focus on the other person, you'll become sensitized to their feelings. That will help guide you so you don't say anything inappropriate that would make them uncomfortable, especially in the workplace. Ultimately, you're a more understanding and desirable partner. Now." Maura folded back the cover of her notebook, uncapping her pen. "Tell me all about her."

Jane frantically tried to think of a way to extricate herself, but when Maura seized on a topic nothing short of a medical emergency could divert her, and even that was questionable. The more she tried to avoid talking, the worse things would appear. If she dribbled out a few generic details, she might be able to string Maura along, and by then maybe her phone would go off and she'd be called to a scene. Surely to God someone in Boston was going to be murdered in the next 10 minutes, even if she had to do it herself.

"Well...you're right, we met at work, so we've got that in common."

Maura nodded, thoughtful and intent. "Do you outrank her? That could be complicated."

"No, she's, um, a chief. Different department," Jane hedged.

"No conflict of interest," Maura said aloud as she carefully wrote the words out. "It's very important for law enforcement professionals to have relationship partners who are understanding of their demanding careers. Some studies suggest that marrying within the profession reduces the risk of divorce by as much as 50%."

Jane forced herself to nod and tried not to think about what Maura would look like in white or if she had been serious about that volcano thing.

"What first attracted you to her?"

Jane drew back slightly, her face scrunching in concentration. She'd been noticing Maura for so long it was hard to remember a time when she hadn't. "I guess...she's really good at her job."

"That doesn't sound very romantic," Maura teased her. "Did you ask for a copy of her last performance review?"

Jane had to smile at herself and how it had sounded. "I mean, she cares about victims, and that's not always easy. She's dedicated and loyal and intelligent and..." Jane shrugged, stopping herself just before she added _goofy_ and _adorable_. "I dunno, we haven't gone out yet, and that's what dating's for, right?"

Maura nodded, looking all the world like a glamorous caricature of a therapist with her brightly patterned Gucci dress and Mont Blanc pen. "I'm not getting a very clear picture of what she looks like."

_Looked in a mirror lately? _"She's pretty. Lots of people like her." Jane hoped that would be enough, but it wasn't. "I don't know," she said awkwardly as Maura continued waiting. "It's hard to remember. I kinda have trouble thinking when I'm around her."

"Well, that's certainly...what is that?" Maura reached across and tapped the blue foam stress ball Jane was still clenching. "Are your hands all right? Did you need to go for more physical therapy?"

Jane hastily put the ball down on the couch beside her. "Yeah. Yeah, it's for therapy." And it was, it really was. It kept her from doing things like jumping across the couch and grabbing Maura. "So how do you do this?" she blurted. "Make yourself think like the other person?"

Maura sat up straight, re-crossing her legs, while Jane tried to look everywhere except at Maura. "I think a visualization exercise would help. Let's warm your brain up."

That, Jane thought, wouldn't be a problem. Grudgingly, she closed her eyes at Maura's insistence and waited for the verbal prompts. In the dim stillness, every other sense heightened: the soft, dense fabric of the couch under her hands, the crisp lemon verbena scent of Maura's shampoo, the quiet, soothing sound of her voice...

"Just answer honestly with the first thing that comes to mind."

"Get me out of here," Jane murmured. Maura chuckled softly and somehow that made everything better and yet much, much worse.

"Describe your perfect date."

"April 25th."

"I don't understand why you keep telling that joke."

"Because it's funny?" Jane cracked one eye open to confirm that Maura was staring at her in disapproval.

"If it were funny, I would laugh. There's nothing funny about an entire movie that mocks women who take pride in their appearance. Never mind—close your eyes."

Jane did and put on a look of exaggerated concentration.

"Family," Maura said.

"Annoying."

"Mother."

"See above."

"Relationship."

_Careful._ "Uh...partners?"

"Baby."

_A little girl in elephant pajamas_. "Diapers."

"Sweetheart."

_Stupid Valentine's Day. Stupid lonely holiday. _"Crunchy candy."

"Honey."

_...a thin trickle of golden honey drizzled from the hollow of Maura's throat, down her bare chest as she lay back across the kitchen island, running down to another, entirely different, sweetness that..._

"Cheerios!" Jane's eyes flew open and Maura drew back in surprise. "Honey Nut Cheerios. I'm starving, I missed breakfast. How much longer is this gonna take?"

"I think that's enough of a warm up." Maura was composing herself again, still looking a little wary as if she thought Jane might continue bellowing out a catalog of breakfast cereals. "Now I want you to think about this woman you're attracted to, but instead of thinking about her as someone to pursue, think about what it would be like to be in her shoes."

"Painful. I'd break my ankle."

"Jane."

"Sorry, sorry...OK, like how?"

"Think about what it would be like if your situation was reversed and she were the one approaching you and initiating a relationship. Think about how it would feel to be admired and sought out by her. Try to put yourself in her place and see yourself accepting positive compliments from her. Does that give you a clear idea?"

That was an understatement.

_"I don't know why you want to go to my reunion." Jane's voice sounded like a whine even to her own ears. "You didn't even go to a real high school."_

_Maura emerged from the closet with two more dresses, both of which Jane had rejected. "I told you," she said patiently, "I want to understand the cultural experience and I thought spending the evening with you would be enjoyable."_

_"OK, but I'm warning you. People are going to assume we're a couple." When Maura didn't say anything, Jane looked up from the corner of the bedspread she had selected to be the object of her displeasure. "What?"_

_"Would that be so awful?" _

_"Well, no...I mean, I don't care," Jane shrugged. "I just thought you might care."_

_"Why would you think I would be embarrassed to be in love with someone as intelligent, funny, kind, brave, and beautiful as you are?"_

_Jane tried to come up with a joke, to hold the remark at arm's length, but Maura's gaze was frank and open, and it mesmerized her. She knew better than to look into her best friend's eyes but somehow she had slipped and fallen. She had fallen long before today._

_"I didn't know that's how you see me," she said quietly._

_Her words gradually slowed as she realized Maura had discarded the dresses across the back of a chair as she moved across the bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and braced herself with a palm on the mattress. The other rested on Jane's thigh, her fingers lightly toying with the hem of her nightshirt._

_"It is. So does it seem that I care?"_

_Jane swallowed hard and shook her head._

_"Then you would be wrong," Maura said simply. "I care very much, but only about how you feel, especially how you feel about me. Would you mind if your friends thought we were a couple?"_

_Jane shook her head again, dumb and hopeful._

_"Good then." Maura smiled. "I'm glad that's settled. It certainly took you long enough. Now, you're wearing the black dress."_

_Jane let out another protesting whine of confusion, but it was hard to think over the pounding in her ears. Had Maura just announced they were a couple? All those years of worrying and wondering, and all she had to do was say yes?"Wait, which...black...what?"_

_"If by that collection of random words you mean the dress that looks gorgeous on you, then yes, that one. I'm certainly not going to be seen in public for the first time with my girlfriend wearing a potato sack." Maura's fingertip was tracing below the nightshirt's hem now, edging upward. "I care about that very much as well."_

_Jane found that her mouth had gone completely dry. "The black one," she whispered._

_"Mmm hmm. So let's start with taking your clothes off."_

_Jane swallowed nervously. "Y-y'mean, you want me to try it on?"_

_"Eventually." Maura was smiling now and that smile was coming closer and closer. "We still have two hours. It may be your high school reunion, but I think we have a little catching up to do too. We'll be fashionably late."_

_Jane's last thought as she was eased back onto the bed was that if this was what it took to be fashionable, she'd been going about it all wrong._

"Jane?"

"Yes?" Her throat nearly strangled the word as she snapped out of the daydream. She cleared her throat quickly.

"Yes...yes? Maura?"

She smiled, brilliant and beautiful. "You looked happy," she said in a teasing way. "Do you feel a little more confident about yourself and making an overture?"

Jane felt a sharp, thin stabbing sensation at the base of her throat as she struggled to smile. "Well, that would be nice, but you never know. Hell, people make up stuff all the time in their heads or stalk someone they imagine they're in a relationship with. You can't really trust your feelings. I might just be imagining things."

"Let's try something else then." Maura set her notebook down on her lap and turned fully to Jane, hands clasped. "Role playing can also be helpful in working through confidence issues."

"Maura."

"You never have trouble expressing yourself with me, so if you can just say what you've always wanted to, then it will be that much easier when you're really talking to her."

"Maura." Jane could barely hear her own voice but it was too late to pull away and Maura was holding her hands now, earnestly pleading with her.

"Jane, please...just imagine that I'm the woman you want to ask out. Is that so hard? What would you say to her if you could?"

Helpless, Jane bit back a sigh. No, it wasn't hard at all. The hard part had been not saying anything, but there was only one way out of this and that was straight ahead. She let her hands lie limp in her lap but couldn't ignore the firm, warm pressure of Maura's fingers wrapped around them, and that was really what it all came back to: her hands.

Jane opened her mouth and the first word was nothing more than a cracked, creaking whisper. She took a breath, swallowed, forced herself to meet Maura's eyes, and tried again.

"I know if we didn't work together, you never would've noticed me. You outrank me by a mile in everything. You're really smart and talented and beautiful, and I'm just...me. But when you talk to me, I feel like I'm the most important person in the world, and I don't know if that's true or not, but I know what you mean to me. Most people who meet me already know who I am. They recognize my name, and I know why that is. They shake my hand, and then they look down for just a second to see if they can still see the scars, but you never do that to me. You just look me in the eye and call me Jane, and that's who I want to be. No one knows who I really am, who _Jane_ is, but I trust you and I want you to know. I know there's so much to you too, things that no one knows, but I think I could get you like no one else ever has. I wish you knew how often I think about you and all the ways I want to show you how I feel, but I...I..."

Jane came to a confused halt as Maura pulled her hands away abruptly and was sitting up very straight and stiff. "Hey...what's wrong? Are you OK?"

Maura shook her head and crossed her arms tightly over her chest just as her chin began to tremble. She tried to speak, but all she could manage was a single helpless gesture as her expression slowly crumbled.

Mouth open, Jane stared in helpless confusion as Dr. Maura Isles began to cry.

* * *

To be concluded in the next installment...


	5. Chapter 5

A huge enormous thank you to siDEADde for beta support at all hours, and also thank you to the kind reviewers and anons who have been sending messages. This has been a fantastic writing experience and I can't thank you enough for all that it's meant.

* * *

Jane Rizzoli knew what to do in a firefight. She knew how to talk a teenager off a ledge, stare down an armed gunman, and had once negotiated her own release from a hostage situation. She could even maintain her composure when the bagpipes started at a police funeral, but the sight of Maura dissolving in tears utterly unnerved her. Eyes wide in alarm, she glanced around the office until she spotted a box of tissues tucked behind a reference manual on the nearest bookshelf. Lunging for them, she tried to pull one free but came up with half the box in her fist.

"Here." She held the clump out at arm's length, elbows locked, as if the additional distance might help.

_Thank you,_ Maura mouthed through her tears. She tugged one tissue free and blew her nose, then dabbed carefully at her eyes. Jane hadn't thought she could possibly look more beautiful than she already did. She tried to summon up a cocky grin, anything to tease a smile out of Maura.

"Y'know, just because you're a sensitivity trainer doesn't mean you actually have to cry."

Instead of rolling her eyes and reciting the first two paragraphs of the manual verbatim, Maura sank back as if folding in on herself. "I shouldn't...this is wrong," she whispered.

Jane felt her heart drop back to her stomach. She doubted her fumbling speech about a non-existent other woman would have fooled anyone else, but Maura had been blind to the situation for so long that it had seemed worth a shot. But of all the disastrous outcomes she had imagined, none of them had included open minded, sexually confident Maura using the word _wrong_.

"Isn't that what you wanted me to say? I can try again," Jane offered desperately.

Maura's silent tears returned as her chin quivered. "I'm sorry, just..." She gulped and her voice steadied with effort. "I thought I could do this. I t-thought I could be here for you, because...I just want you to be happy, Jane. More than anyone I know, you deserve that. I thought I could play the role like my training taught me, and I could put myself in your place, but..." Her mouth twisted into a hollow, desperate smile.

"Please, Maur, it's killing me that I made you cry and I don't even know what I did." Jane's voice hit an impossibly low note. "Please, _please_ tell me."

Maura's eyes closed as her head dipped, sad and resigned. "I can't lie."

"Of course you can't. That's why the DA loves you."

Maura let out something that was a cross between a cough and a hiccup. "I doubt that, and even then he's not the one I'm in love with."

"Well, then he's an idiot. Who wouldn't be in love with someone like..."

Jane's words slowly trailed off as what Maura had said sank in. _She was in love? With who? No, that was impossible, Maura would have told her. Unless... _Lips parted, Jane slowly looked up and saw a wave of guilt flitting across Maura's face. It was ridiculous, she wasn't Maura's type, but if she knew one thing as a detective it was that when you eliminated everything you could, whatever you had left was the answer.

"I-I'm sorry, I just remembered..." Maura tried to stand, wobbly and desperate, to stumble her way around the edge of the coffee table. The notebook slipped off her lap, pages crumpling as it hit the floor by their feet. Her eyes were everywhere but on Jane as she rambled about slides, biopsies and overdue samples to cover her retreat toward the office door.

"Wait." Jane hesitated for less than second, then put her hand out to Maura. "Please wait."

Maura froze, her expression torn. "I have, Jane. I have, but I...I'll tell Dr. Arden that you're fine. You'll make a wonderful girlfriend, but..." Her voice choked painfully. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Something about the words filled Jane with a sudden, unexpected anger. Maura had nothing to be sorry about. Jane was the one who had panicked and taken the easy out, letting Maura think she had really been staring at the woman behind her. This all could have been settled that night, but it was literally easier for Jane to shoot herself than it was to admit how she felt. She had thought she was protecting Maura, but actually it had been the cruelest rejection possible.

That ended now.

Jane stood in a single, sudden movement, blood pounding through every vein and propelling her forward. In two long strides, she had slipped to the door before Maura did and blocked her from leaving. This should have happened that first night, but fear had overridden her desires and not for the first time. She hadn't known what to say then, and she didn't now either, but that didn't matter—she wasn't good with words and she never had been. She lived by instinct, listening to her gut, and it was screaming at her now.

_Put yourself in the other woman's shoes_, Maura had said. _Try to imagine if you were her—how would she want to be approached? _

_How would Maura want to be treated?_

_What did she want?_

But instead of the images Jane had expected of five course French dinners with champagne and caviar or limo rides to box seats at the opera on opening night, she heard Maura's voice in the back of her mind, unexpectedly soft and sad.

_I'm used to being alone._

_Maura the Bore-a_

The bright, lonely, perplexed little girl who couldn't understand why no one wanted to play with her. When she was older, she must have felt some flicker of hope when she was invited to study group, at least until the semester ended and the other girls stopped returning her calls. Maura Isles, genius, smart enough to figure out any puzzle except herself.

_There was a lot of benign neglect._

_I didn't ask for much. I don't think I really knew how, and the less that I would ask for the less time that they had for me. _

Maura, competent and self-sufficient, and yet so happy to see Jane on her doorstep at any hour. She let the Rizzolis have anything they needed, no questions asked, for as long as they needed, and her loneliness seemed less then. Grateful for company, grateful to be with someone else, even just as friends. But she craved more.

_I had this stupid little girl fantasy that when we met, you'd be everything that you are, but you'd want me._

It had been in front of her all along. Maura couldn't lie, but she wasn't the only one who had been making speeches that could be taken two ways. Yes, Maura had longed for her birth family, but she wanted one of her own too. She'd had a fantasy of a partner, someone tall and dark and protective who could tease and challenge her and still love her for exactly who she was, someone who took her hand and pulled her into an adventure beyond her laboratory.

Someone who wanted her.

Someone who chose her.

_Maura wanted to be wanted._

"I want you." Gently but firmly Jane repeated herself. "I want you."

Maura kept her eyes fixed just beyond Jane's shoulder on the door to the autopsy room. Her expression hovered between mistrust and exhaustion. "To do what?"

"Nothing," Jane whispered. She reached out and closed one hand around Maura's wrist, her thumb barely brushing Maura's palm. "I just want you."

Maura didn't pull away but stood barely breathing. "You can't."

Something about how she said it, confused and almost offended, struck Jane as funny.

"Sure I can. It's my heart. I want who I want, and it's you. Trust me, I tried other people and it doesn't work."

The effort to refute her was bringing Maura around out of her emotional tailspin. "No. No, you can't say you want me and then say all those things about another woman. They can't _both_ be true."

"Maura," she sighed. "There's no other woman."

"Yes, there is. You just told me about her. You met at work, and she's beautiful and smart, and she's a chief, and...and..."

Jane tilted her eyebrows up, smiling patiently as Maura put the pieces together for herself.

"Oh. Oh, you didn't..._oh..._"

Jane was concentrating so hard on not pumping her fist in the air at finally having figured something out before Maura had that she didn't notice how Maura was moving closer to her. When she felt two hands slip around her waist, Jane's body stiffened by reflex, keeping a bare inch between them, until Maura tucked her head against her chest and all resistance vanished. Her arms came up to draw Maura even closer and they fit perfectly, as she had always suspected they would.

"I wasn't lying," Jane murmured. "I meant every word, I just didn't know how to tell you. I can't even think straight when we're together...well, I mean, _obviously. _I'm so sorry, I was trying to protect you and I just made it worse. I guess I figured you're the genius and you don't really have a filter about this stuff, so you would've said something if you had anything to say."

Maura looked up, still clinging tightly to Jane and twisting her hands into the fabric of her blazer lapels. She seemed to still be at a loss for words but her breath was steady now and her eyes never left Jane's.

Tentatively, she said, "I've always thought of you as the brave one. That night at the Robber, you were drunk and your inhibitions were down, but you were more attracted to a complete stranger. I realized I didn't have a chance against a 10 like that."

Jane felt her jaw slowly gape and recovered it with a snap. "No, whoa, no! I was just embarrassed that the guys caught me staring and I didn't know what to say. I've spent a lot of time thinking of ways to tell you how I felt, but drunk off my ass in a crowded bar was never one of them. I couldn't put you on the spot in front of everyone."

Maura's forehead crinkled as she wrestled with the explanation. "I'm not upset, Jane. It's just math. They said there hadn't been a 10 at the Robber in years, and obviously that's what it took to get your attention, so I'm glad for that at least if it helped us get here now."

Jane sighed. Of course. Maura's big brain had encountered a statistic and instantly put more faith in that than anything her heart would tell her. Exasperation mingled with relief as she said, "I don't know if she was a 10 or not. I was too busy looking at the one."

"Which one?"

_Jesus Christ._ "You, you big goof. You're the one. My plus one, my one and only, the one for me, the one I love."

Whatever Maura had been going to argue in reply fell away as her perplexed expression melted into adoration. "You...you were looking at me?"

Jane nodded, unable to control the grin welling up. "Yeah, and if you want to go back to the Robber right now, I'll stand on the bar and tell everyone in the whole place I'm yours. I mean, if you're OK with that." She waited, actually thinking Maura might take her up on it, but something far more unlikely happened.

Maura Isles blushed. "Yes," she whispered. "I would be very, very OK with that."

A small smile played at one corner of her mouth as Maura glanced up through her eyelashes. The edge of her bottom lip was caught between her teeth. One hand lay flat against the front of Jane's blazer while the other toyed with the buttons just below the lapels. Now those same fingers were slipping inside the collar and easing the jacket back off her shoulders.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable without...?"

"I...no, wh-no." Jane quickly shrugged away, laughing nervously. "I, uh, I get a chill down here. Morgue, bodies...stuff."

Maura gave her a sage nod and a little pat on the shoulder. "We do need to maintain a constant ambient temperature for the procedures."

Before Jane realized what was going on, Maura had taken her hand and led her back to the couch, urging her to sit down before she began saying something, but all Jane could do was stare at their joined hands with a dazed grin on her face.

_Maura Isles is holding my hand. Maura "I'm a 12 and Don't Know It" Isles wants to...wants to sit in my lap? No, this is a daydream, it's...uh, no it's not. She's actually coming over here, oh God, oh God..._

"Maur? Hey, um, what are we doing?" Jane heard her voice rising as she scooted towards the opposite end of the couch to stay just out of Maura's reach. _I'm trying to be good, I'm really trying. I don't even know if you're actually my girlfriend yet—is there a waiting period? Puppies and kittens, puppies and kittens, think about puppies and kittens... "_Maybe we should talk?"

"All right." Maura had stopped and was sitting half a couch cushion away with both her hands folded in her lap. "You might say that all we've been doing, but...Jane, is there something you're worried about?"

_You want me to just pick one?_ "Nothing."

Maura drew back, then gave her an amused, reproachful look. "Well, you may be the better liar, but you still have a tell."

"I do not!" Jane insisted. _Do I? Crap._

"Yes, you do, but I'm not telling you what it is. I need all the help I can get," Maura laughed. "Please, tell me."

"Well, we're at work," Jane said. That was true. "I never thought things would get this far for us, and they've got regulations about this kind of stuff with co-workers. I guess have to talk to Cavanaugh because I may end up needing to transfer, but it'll be worse if we're not up front about this."

Maura's mouth was quivering with impatience, but she forced herself to wait for Jane to finish. "Jane."

"Yes."

"We don't work together."

Jane let out a skeptical chuckle. "Gee. Could've fooled me."

Maura gave her a self-satisfied smile and reached out for Jane's hand, pulling it into her lap, palm up. "If you would actually read the departmental policies and procedures handbook, you would know that." She traced out a series of lines across Jane's palm with the tip of one finger which sent a rippling shock up Jane's spine. "You're over here," she tapped. "Directly in the BPD chain of command, but I answer to the governor's office. We're adjacent and equal, more or less, but we don't have any authority over each other."

Jane thought that remained to be seen as she would've followed Maura to the ends of the earth if she would just keep stroking her palm.

"You know you're a genius, right?"

Maura gave a tiny little shrug and tilted her head with a self-effacing smile. "I read the fine print. I don't like to be surprised."

"You just don't like the idea of me going back to Vice and dressing up like a hooker."

"Well," Maura said carefully. "That would depend on the context."

Jane swallowed hard. "I mean, OK, so let's say it's not a problem that we work together...I mean, near each other. But I still have to be focused at work, and that hasn't been very easy lately. I spend about 90 minutes a day just thinking about your underwear. Like today, I'm thinking green."

Maura looked perplexed but just as quickly her expression cleared. "Oh! Yes, I do try to always match, but not today."

"Oh." Jane felt a little crestfallen. "Well...OK."

"But if I were wearing any underwear, then yes, it would be green."

All the blood drained from Jane's face to her groin and then shot back up again. "W-what...why..."

"I can't tolerate visible panty lines, and this dress has a very unforgiving waist." Maura smiled as if this were the most reasonable explanation in the world. "Are you all right? You don't look like you're breathing. Is this why you were avoiding me? Because I'm distracting you?" Maura seemed actually delighted at the idea which Jane found both annoying and adorable.

"No! OK, yes," Jane confessed. She tried to grin it into a joke but the insecurity refused to stay buried. "It's just really hard to control my thoughts when you're, y'know, existing in my direction."

One perfectly plucked eyebrow elevated half an inch. "Exactly what kinds of thoughts?"

Jane squirmed. "I don't know, stuff."

"What kind of 'stuff', Jane?" Maura was alert and curious now, and even though Jane knew there would be no getting around the question, she tried to delay for as long as possible. Finally, Maura sighed. "If you don't tell me, how am I supposed to make certain those thoughts come true?"

Every fantasy of the last month flooded Jane's synapses simultaneously and then receded in the face of reality. _If Maura knew, she wouldn't be saying that. She's champagne and silk sheets, not beer and the back seat. You'd scare her off in five seconds._

"I think I'm gonna need your help with some of this," Jane said haltingly. "I know I'm supposed to be this confident, in charge person—and I am, at work—but I've never really done this before. You might be the only thing in my life that really matters, and I want it to be perfect, but I've got all these mixed signals in my head."

Maura nodded, gently encouraging her. She had taken Jane's hand in hers again and raised it to her lips. As soon as she felt the warm kiss brush across her scars, a sense of peace flooded through Jane. This was Maura—her best friend, her confidant and partner. If she couldn't tell her the truth now, then there was no point in going any further.

"I'm around you and I get these ideas," Jane confessed, "and if you could read my mind, you'd empty half a can of pepper spray on me. My brain turns anything you say around on me. You want to do something together and say that you're all mine for the night, so I can't stop thinking about what I would do to you in bed trying to convince you to never leave. You mention stargazing and meteor showers, and I think about taking you up to Perkins Point and that maybe you'd get cold and need my jacket, but when we get back in the car you're still cold and I say I can hold you but it would be easier in the back seat, and things sort of get out of control. Or you say you fed Bass strawberries and I think about doing the same thing with you, except dipping them in chocolate, and then there's chocolate everywhere," she rambled, "and I have to clean it up but you say no hands, and God it's a mess. I-I'm supposed to be sensitive and respect you, and I do. I love you, Maura, more than I thought I could ever love anyone. But at the same time, when I look at you all I see is you flat on your back in bed, clutching the sheets, moaning my name and coming apart so hard the headboard puts a hole in the drywall."

Maura waited patiently, then gave a single nod. "And...this is your problem?"

Jane nodded, feeling suddenly very small. "Can I have my stress ball back, please?" She pointed past Maura to the far end of the couch where it had wedged itself in a seam.

Maura looked at the ball intently. "Hm, no."

"But...it's helping me."

"You're not going to need it anymore." Maura gathered up both of Jane's hands in hers. "You have other options now if you have an uncontrollable urge to squeeze something."

_Please let her mean what I think she does. Please let her mean..._

"Jane—I appreciate your concern. It's a perfect example of why I love you."

_She loves me? She loves me! She lo...oh man..._

"You're thoughtful, loyal, protective, kind, and..." Maura smiled helplessly. "You're my Jane. Being with someone who spends all her time thinking about how to make me happy is anything but a problem. In fact, it sounds perfect. In fact, our only problem seems to be that you're too honorable to lay a hand on me, even when I want you to."

"So I'm not being, um, insensitive?"

Maura shook her head solemnly. "Just the opposite. People have always made assumptions about me based on appearance and an impression, but no one's ever really known me, not like you do, and I've never trusted anyone like I do you." Her eyes flickered for a moment, nearly dropping, but she held Jane's gaze. "No one has ever understood what I need, intimately. But you...you have remarkable instincts, Jane."

As she spoke, Maura gradually leaned slightly forward more and more, her face tilting up to Jane's. Without permission, gravity itself had suddenly intensified and Jane found herself inexorably drawn downward towards her, closer and closer. Just as her eyes closed, their mouths a centimeter apart, a loud electronic beeping erupted from Maura's desk. Turning her head, Maura frowned at the phone as if that would turn it off remotely while Jane imagined a predator drone obliterating the phone completely.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I scheduled a lunch appointment last week and completely forgot. Let me get that." She slipped off the couch before Jane could reach out to stop her. "I'll reschedule, but we can go out for lunch together if you like." Maura looked up, phone in one hand, and laughed. "It would be our first date, wouldn't it? I saw they've added a goat cheese/beetroot salad to the lunch menu at the Robber."

"Wow. Yummy. Can't wait."

"I'm just relieved they have an option for me." Maura was smiling down at her phone as she re-set the calendar and didn't notice Jane's expression or that she had stood and was moving around the corner of the desk.

_Focus on her. Ask yourself what she would want. Be sensitive._

"Y'know," Jane suggested, "we don't have to go there. I know it's our usual spot and yay beetroots, but you wouldn't go there on your own."

"Oh, it's fine, Jane." Maura's words lagged as she focused on finding the settings she wanted to adjust her calendar and change the reminder notice.

"What about the Four Seasons? It's only a few blocks over."

"That's a hotel," Maura said absently, then looked up. The phone was clutched to her chest, forgotten as her eyes grew bright. "Well, they do have an excellent restaurant, if you wanted to try it for a change. I'm sure the chef could prepare a hamburger for you, or..."

_Put yourself in her shoes. She wants to be thought of. She wants to be wanted._

Jane slipped both arms around Maura and pulled her close. "Or we could get room service." _If you're ready..._

A tremulous, delighted smile crept across Maura's face. "Yes," she said. "Yes, I could call ahead and order. It would give us more time for...whatever. What do you want?"

Jane smiled back and tightened her grip, lifting Maura up just barely off her toes. "Just you. Everything else, you make the call. Surprise me."

"Jane..." Somehow Maura managed to make her name sound fond, scolding, and tender all at once. "All right—steak and frites, beer, and me."

Jane grinned as she let Maura slip back to the floor but kept hold of one hand, swinging it slightly between them. "Well, you can't top that."

Maura's smile was slow, sweet and seductive as she brought Jane's hand to her mouth to kiss each fingertip. "Oh, I think I could." After a moment with no reaction from Jane, she asked, "Are you all right, sweetheart?"

Jane nodded, eyes wide. "Pretty sure this is the best daydream ever. Just waiting to wake up."

Maura stifled a laugh as she patted Jane's hand. "It's not over—it's just starting. Why don't you go ahead and get the elevator?" she suggested. "I'll be right there."

Jane grinned at her as she walked backwards towards the door. She ran into the coffee table and two chairs in the process but never took her eyes off Maura.

After quickly dialing the hotel to make arrangements, Maura checked to see that the elevator hadn't arrived yet and made a second call.

"Hello? This is Dr. Isles, you...oh, caller ID, of course. I'm glad I caught you. I'm afraid I need to cancel our appointment for today." Maura shrugged one arm into her jacket, then switched the phone to her other hand. "Yes, everything's fine. In fact, the issue we were speaking about seems to have resolved itself, but could we schedule a follow up for next week, same time? Wonderful."

"Hey Maur, elevator!" Jane bellowed.

Maura hurried to gather her purse and keys while keeping the phone pinched between her ear and shoulder.

"You wouldn't happen to do premarital counseling, would you? Not in the HR scope, I understand. But you could make recommendations? Wonderful, if you could email those to me please. Thank you, Dr. Arden. Yes, it's been a pleasure."

The End


End file.
